A short "saga", feeling blue
It's been a while since I have been here. We dissed our phone company because they were jacking us around so I use the libraries when I can. We are a limitid time of use, 1/2 hour, but they are good about if we go over if noone is waiting.
I see a couple of familiar names here, HI! Glad to see that I'm not a total stranger
As some of you know, I lost PJ Oct. 9,2002, and was due April 26th. I had gone through a platou where I was dealing with things ffairly well, but as his due date approaches, it is getting more and more difficult to hold back the tears. I see beautiful, fresh new baby faces with gorgeous inquisitive eyes, and wonder just what would PJ have looked like. I can't help but to think that if we had made it together to this point and he were to be born, he would be OK. I insides are ripping apart all over again, and I feel so uncomfortable sharing my feelings with my dh or family. I know my sister was a wonderful help, but I just don't want to burden her any more. Besides, I really have no words for what I feel inside. I fight back the tears because I am afraid that someone would ask me what was the matter. I would love for someone to ask if I were ok, but then, I wouldn't want to have to answer them... does it make any sense?? It doesn't to me. I am once again becomming a bit forgettful, but at least for now I can still remember my own phone #. (I couldn't do that for awhile when I lost PJ.) I don't really expect anyone to respond, just that I need to get my feelings out from inside of me, and search for words that can fill this void I am experiencing.
Take care, and I am sorry for anyone that has had to go through such a horrible loss. It is so different when you have a miscarriage, it's like noone but you realize that it is truely a death of your child. No funeral, no grave to visit. Only a grave in my memory.
~Karen
I'm sorry that you've been down lately. It is very normal and natural to feel this way with your due date approaching. Mine was a couple of weeks ago and I found it quite hard also.
I hope that when the day does pass, you are able to get some closure as I have.
I was reading your post -- your pain is so obvious. The milestone of PJ's due date is going to be hard. I'm nowhere near that, in fact I just survived the one-month m/c milestone and THAT was hard. So I feel for you.
Yes, I totally understand that you want people to ask how you're doing, but then again, if they do, there might be a flood of tears and emotion. Keeping it all under control is so exhausting!
I wonder why you feel that you can't share your feelings with your DH and family and friends. I hope they'd understand that you're going through a hard time. Lean on those around you, it's not a burden to help someone you love. Even if you can't find the words to express what you're feeling, at least you can share the grief together. Maybe you want some company, just to sit with you and hold your hand. Don't try to go through this alone, it's too hard.
You're right, with an early m/c there's really no outward signs of your loss -- no funeral, no grave to visit -- but you can set up your own place of memorial. Pick a tree out in the forest, or plant a tree or rose bush in your yard, and dedicate it to your baby. Do something that brings you closer to your baby, and allows you to acknowledge PJ's short life on this earth.
I that you'll find the strength to get through these next few months.
Re: A short "saga", feeling blue
I'm sorry your having a difficult time. Its completely normal. Due dates are hard. Mine is approaching in May and I already feel anxious about it. Its okay to cry. We are alwasy here for you. No matter how often you are able to post you can always come lean on us. You will be in our 'ers.
Love to you sweetie. Take care of yourself.
~Kari (21) DH Bradley (22) Married 5/4/02 Our Angel 10/25/02
Re: A short "saga", feeling blue
Karen,
I would like to share a quote from one of my books on miscarriage with you;
Quote:My sister looks at me with kindness and listens. She holds me and we cry together. With her I can let go and sob. Then when our tears are spent, she always says something that makes us both laugh. I find comfort in her arms, if only for a little while. From An Empty Cradle; A Full Heart
I understand you not wanting to burden your sister anymore. I felt that way too. But I found that when I did cry on her shoulder, she cried with me and cared with me. I was not a burden to her at all. It felt really good to release. Your sister loves you and cares for you. If she was there before you can be asured that she will be there again for you, even if you cannot find the words.
Angie ~ 26 DH Boyd ~ 26 Angel Anna ~ May 12, 1999, Taken at 20 weeks Angel James ~ no heartbeat Jan 31, 2003 at 17 weeks, Taken February 5th 2003
I'm sorry your feeling blue. I understand, we all do. My due date is October, so I have a while, but "Mother's Day" is going to be really hard. But it always makes me feel better just knowing the fact that "SOMEBODY" is out there feeling the same exact way. Take care and know we are here for you!
Re: A short "saga", feeling blue
I know how you feel, due date are really hard. It is also hard to talk t people who have never experienced this because they think that it is something that we should be over already....just know that we are all here for you if you need us and try to take care of yourself....it may help to plan something special on that day for your little angel.
Angie
Re: A short "saga", feeling blue just tolet you know that I have gotten to read your replies and have taken them to heart. I will be back, but right now, I must go to work before I am late. Thank you SOOOOO much for your kindness.
You all are so special.
~Karen
A short "saga", feeling blue
reading your post -- your pain is so obvious. The milestone of PJ's due date is going to be hard. I'm nowhere near that, in fact I just survived the one-month m/c milestone and THAT was hard. So I feel for you. 
Even if you can't find the words to express what you're feeling, at least you can share the grief together. Maybe you want some company, just to sit with you and hold your hand. Don't try to go through this alone, it's too hard.
that you'll find the strength to get through these next few months.
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