Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
Warning: Lengthy Lament from a Loser...
On Monday evening last, I orchestrated the presentation of a surprise roast for a good friend a friend worthy of half a years worth of consideration and preparation, plus a few-hundred tight dollars. He hosts the karaoke I attend on a regular basis, and even after many wearing years of subjecting himself to a bar ("hell", by my definition) he has kept his integrity, patience and goodwill.
His tolerance had been wearing thin in recent years, and an injection of light-hearted, affectionate invective was called for, in order to demonstrate to this kind man that his good deeds are well-noted, appreciated and worthy of a reflected effort. "Kara yokel the Musical" was born, written, directed, produced by and starring myself, plus a group of regulars (I was everyones understudy, male or female parts!).
In the weeks prior to this event, I was sandbagged by every possible force, from backstabbing and ball-dropping, to lies and avoidances. Unbeknownst to me at the time, a member of the cast did not want to participate in the dance numbers; due to a comination of sloth and dignity, thus proceded to make every effort to sabotage the two simple-but-critical dance numbers that packaged the musical. The one person she did not talk to is me.
A few one-hour rehearsals of the dances were slated, where members available at one time needed not show up at the next. Against every evidently excited promise, no member showed up for any form of rehearsal, nor to help, as promised, with props. The music, which had to be gathered from the net, had to be done by others, as I am too prone to virus. I didn't hear the music until the wee hours of the morning of staging the musical, though I had urged the pair as to the vital nature of a sample of the musical platform, in order that edges from my bogus lyrics be rounded off and presented to cast.
"Hotmail" was especially damaging in its use of the sentence "...your message has been instantly delivered". This is absolute fraud, and they should be taken to task for such blatant deception. Emails that were presumed in cast members hands were evaporating, perhaps, in part due to the recent plague of viruses.
If I could tell you how much I despise cocaine without going into a tirade about how much it helped destroy my family, I would. But I will mention that half of the cast turned into blowholes all weekend, rendering their absence from participation and leading to a diluge of lies for the sake of skirting responsibility.
Then the big day came. The words written were based on the targets precise sense of humor and take on the world. I walked into the bar and felt a wave of the most vile moods I have ever witnessed in this biker bar. It seems the one cast member had gone above and beyond the call of mutiny and into the realm of Typhoid Mary. One "outside" person she infected was quite upset at not being "selected" for the cast. He was beyond belligerent and proceeded to attend EVERY person in the bar, including our friend, the unsuspecting target of the roast.
The foul mood was accentuated by one large group that had made reservations, knew about and supported the musical, then were incensed by this malefactor bent on "bringing the house down". The leader of the group reneged on his support and began to bribe the replacement DJ (I had arranged for during the roast) into giving his group unplanned stagetime. This happened, despite permission from the bar owner to run the musical, start to finish, uninterrupted.
Half of the cast were more interested in coke than the gift/musical, and one member missed her song because she was nose-deep in the bathroom. A third of the crew were of nearly intact spirit and body, and their sobriety and mood was a godsend.
The target of this roast, who made every effort to appear in a good mood, was obviously sharing my impossible to conceal, growing disappointment. These people call themselves friends, but are easily distracted by temptation, and in this case, bonafide evil. That they let me down concerns me little; I do not expect nor aspire to recognition nor respect: But they let down my friend - our friend - in each of their own agenda and weaknesses.
Sadly, I came to the realisation that friendships seem far more tenuous than fridge-magnet-philosophies would otherwise claim. I learned there are far more theatrics backstage than onstage, with thin characters and twisted plots.
To only speak ill of this musical would seem unfair to the dutiful support and patience of my girlfriend, my backers, or those members of the cast who kept the spirit as aloft as possible.
One positive outcome, which is the reason this post has found itself under the "Performance" category, is the suggestion that stage props suitable for children find their way to the local pediatrics wing or daycare. Too often, the props will fall to the back of the prop room, become water damaged, then discarded. The main props from this musical (thirteen crude three-foot-long cardboard replicas of a '57 Chevy that are meant to skirt the hip) are destined for delivery, after a few improvements, to the pediatrics wing of the hospital, hopefully in time for Christmas.
My question is simple: Have I the right to feel the deep hurt and anger I'm experiencing? I got drunk last night - the first time in a long time - as I historically have done when something terrible has happened and nothing can be done. It helped trim my anger towards the two key malefactors, but has done nothing for my hurt.
No really. They do. They just suck. Some of us are simply better than the rest. We deserve all the good and wonderful things in life. They deserve incurable excema. Really. People Suck.
But in the mean time - I think you're absolutely right in your hurt. I've always been a big proponent of making sure the people who hurt you know they've done so. Depending on your mood at the time, you can be nice about it or not. But I find guilt to be extremely helpful in such situations.
Seriously though, often the only thing necessary to cure, or at least lessen hurt is an apology. I really would talk to the key players - make sure they know how you feel. The true measure of a friend is the sincerity of their remorse.
But if that doesn't work, there's always my once-a-month mantra: People Suck.
fluttersby
Falderal Registered User
Posts: 7
(12/13/01 12:59 pm) Reply
.
Thanks Fluttersby...
When in Rome...be sure to visit the colosseum...
For me to express my angst to people who already intoxicate themselves to avoid introspect seems fruitless. As a gardener to many souls I've been forced far more tolerant than would otherwise be my nature. I knew several to be "part-time cokeheads", but invited them to participate: I keep close, as "divestment" burns what few bridges to an addict remain. Those who have shown themselves to reflect their environment, reflect the sinking attitudes that are rife within most bars: Do I show them that I reflect the same stinkypoo? Those who spent their hours and cunning devising means of harm: Do I honor them with a sense of impact?
What really happened that night...?
In all, to chastise any or all would be to expel what mere mote of faith I still grasp - the faith that it is our true nature to have introspect. To receive an apology is one of the most painful things an empath can imagine: A reminder that only time divided right from wrong; a reminder of human nature that leaves me exposed for the next time; a reminder of worth in a realm I lay no claim to.
Perhaps I should do as the great philosopher Homer once advised to his daughter:
Quote: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like the day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle. Remember that? When daddy hit the referee? Yeah.
Jon369 Registered User
Posts: 30
(12/14/01 1:52 pm) Reply
Re: Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
I think you might be taking things a little to seriously... I mean, the drug related issues are clearly serious, but in doing something as potentially frivolous as a spoof heavy kareokie review (which included cross dressing) in a biker bar, no less... *shrugs* You might've set your expectations a bit unrealistically. I understand that a good sendup can provide valuable insight, but humor, generally, is a very dicey affair.
So, don't take it so hard, organization of people into a common cause is a pretty difficult task also!
Wondering What the Leather Guys Thought of the Dress,
Re: Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
Falderal,
After all your careful planning to have the night dashed upon the rocks for THOSE reasons seems like a cruel twist of fate...to say the least. I certainly can envision a Damnit Jim planned evening going south...in fact I would plan THAT way just to be safe.
My grandmother once said that the more she aged, the more she became disappointed in human behavior...always bothered me because she was very wise, and though I didn't understand it then, I do now. The trick is (I hope because right now it's my ONLY trick) to expect less and less...then you can maintain a constant level of disappointment...well, OK...I am kidding a little, but not totally.
You need a break...I can feel the exhaustion in your words. Why don't you turn off technology for about a week and read books by the fireplace...or whatever else you would like to do but don't because of other commitments?
Take care and have a good weekend...I'm going to be skiing all weekend...we just received another foot and the mountain beckons...electrons can wait.
Registered User
Posts: 10
(12/14/01 7:26 pm) Reply
Re: Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
Your sage is timely, as usual, Damnit'! I trust as you climb your mountain on this seasonal pilgrimage your extra foot will help (...always carry a spare!).
As for my own respite - I'm afraid that due to certain matters, a twice visited responsibility has resurfaced, and my focus must return to a very challenging project. Last night, however, my girlfriend and I spent all night cooking some treasured foods, which is, as you've shown the merit, something that depends on no one else.
I believe a troubling aspect is that I have been both assigned and effective leader many times, but had never witnessed anything of the sort. This leads me to question whether I am the problem; which is something I control directly. The project that has resurfaced makes this production look about as challenging as blinking is; thus, if I cannot orchestrate a couple dozen volunteers in a silly hack musical, I certainly cannot bring multinational project to fruition. I have been forced to introspect: "Have I lost my talents?"
Luckily, my dog still loves me...! FIDO...!! Fido...?!
dharma explorer
Posts: 244
(12/14/01 8:08 pm) Reply
Re: Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
You're being too hard on yourself, Fal. You can't dwell on other peoples failures.
An apt bumper sticker I saw once:
The more people I meet, the more I love my dog
Falderal Registered User
Posts: 12
(12/15/01 10:57 pm) Reply
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Thanks, Manniac...
I think it was the unanimity of the behavior that really caught me off guard. I get let down by people daily, but only a few times have people ever had to take numbers.
Your choice of bumper stickers has a special historical significance for me; a deeply loved girlfriend once replaced me with a dog...
Re: . The following post from Wanderer has been placed here after wandering in the wilderness:
Edit: Ack! This was supposed to be a post in Falderal's "Balldropping, Beligerence and Bellyflops" thread, not a new topic. Sorry, Nous, but perhaps you could have your alter ego clean this up?
I think time away from the "friends" in question is the only solution. But then again, I've never been inclined towards confrontations. Some people might find solace in yelling or even questionable actions (sabotage.) I prefer to adapt to the unfortunate event(s) and move on. It sounds like you are doing that, as your sense of humor has resurfaced.
Re: Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
With the depression and confusion I've been battling for several months now, my instincts and will direct me to my preheated closet, Wanderer. It is quite a challenge to show my face these days, whether in physical or etherial form. I had a meeting with a retired prof yesterday about "The Project" that left me feeling I should just publish it somehow and let the dogs have at it.
I've little choice but to forgive the people who meant no ill-will. Cocaine is a power drug, I know, as it helped to destroy our family. I play pool on a team with them, and cannot let them down as vegence. There are ten people on the team, I'm responsible for a third of their wins, and some degree of their spirit in the face of defeat. (It was my suggestion that we call ourselves the "Longhorns", play to lose every game - the money goes to charity - and get ballcaps with a big "L" on the forehead! The team showed visible improvement in both play and spirit in the weeks that followed, despite little or no improvement in ranking.)
Unfortunately, the team we next play happens to have as its captain the one most responsible for "bringing the house down" last week - my own captain got the "assist". Tomorrow night I will be forced to choose between serving the needs of the remaining team, and serving the temptation to fulfill my rage and hurt. I cannot feign amicability.
Wish me luck, and bring forth the best of your wisdoms - please!
Re: Balldropping, Belligerence and Bellyflops
Monday...ahh. Gotta love Monday.
I attached my extra foot to unmentionable places (this is why I mention it) and skiied until I could ski no more...then I had a glass of wine and skiied again. Rinse and Repeat.
With my extra foot I fell only once (however, spectacularly enough for the ski patrol to cancel first aid and order a body bag...er...not really...I mean the falling hard bit*...). It was a cleansing that I needed...and I need more.
*Let me just remove the tempation to crack wise about this wording...let's just say the weight of the extra foot made this unlikely and leave it at that.
Am I going to have to send you to your room, young man?
Cooking a dinner is a good start, but YOU NEED A BREAK. You're too tired to see it. You are making things too complicated. Now where is that damn RESET button.
It is good to see that the snow fell harder than the skier in your case, Damnit! It is important for you to get to the bottom of the hill and not the other way around. Your third foot must've come in handy; and, despite all of your apparent wining, you appear to have had a good time. Monday, however, must indeed be a sobering experience...
I do need rest. My exhaustion is more and more difficult to fight, but preferable to the thought of yet another half-year lost in bed. They add up, and as I approach my fortieth year, cost time from my life that feels like it's pouring out from beneath me.
I would, at least, like to "spit a seed" before my next rest, and assign someone the challenging task of taking over and enacting the Sri Lanka project. But now, as my mind grows more weary by the day, I feel doubtful I may convey its intricasies to a necessary degree. Time and energy are scarce commodities as well, filling me with the condemning scourge of doubt.
The temptation to engage in physical violence with my provocateur of last week would not cause alarm if I did not feel a great weakness of will. This is a longer term problem, having been an erosion over 6 merciless years, where, in the past, one would need to attempt to strike me three times before I would strike back. Three years ago it was down to twice. I don't know where it is now, but my tolerance for malignance is at an all-time low and I have lots of pent-up hurt, anger, frustration and resentment. Human flesh is not suited for Gestalt.
On the subject of rest: What do you do on the weekends? I'm running on the assumption that you work a (relatively) normal day-job, Monday through Friday. If this is the case, what are you doing on the weekends that's not allowing you at least a bit of regeneration?
Perhaps it's just me, but I find a "me" day to be the most effective way of getting rid of that bone-weariness that seems to be going around. My favorite way to spend the day (or two if that's what it takes) is in my pajamas. I literally sleep on Saturday until I can't anymore. Then stay in bed at least another hour, just in case. When I get out of bed, I may or may not brush my teeth. (Eeeewwwww!) I go immediately to the couch, turn on the television and find a show I'm not the least bit interested in. With any luck, I'll fall asleep again. In the early evening I will stir a bit, mostly just to wipe the popcorn crumbs to the carpet for the cat and dog to fight over. Then off to bed around nine.
Like Damnit Jim, I tend to be a pessimistic optimist as far as the organization of disparate personalities is concerned. That is, I hope to be delighted but plan for certain disappointment. The general rule of thumb is that people do things more successfully when there is a bit of self interest involved. If the cause is altruism, a few sheep are bound to stray from the flock.
You have the perfect right to be upset. However, I would ask you whether the upset is purely at those who disappointed you. Could it not be that perhaps you set yourself up for a bit of trouble and are actually more than slightly miffed at yourself for the trust/confidence you invested?
This tends to be my reaction when I am caught off guard by someone else's behavior. I generally come to the realization that they are who they are...and that if I had not been so foolish (not to say you were, this is just me) I would have clearly seen that they were capable of unpleasant actions I didn't expect or incapable of the tasks I had hoped they would do. Forgiving my own blindness appears to have become a full time task in recent years.
Quote: a deeply loved girlfriend once replaced me with a dog...
Our stars must be linked. I too was replaced by a canine.
Perhaps we should start a support group?
fluttersby
I do the same thing upon occasion but without the TV. The television is usually replaced by copious amounts of wall staring and drifting off into space. A certain amount of wall staring is required each week to retain sanity.
I have the T.V. on for the noise. Plus, have you ever actually WATCHED Discovery or the Animal Planet on the weekends? They have some of the STRANGEST things on . . .
Actually though, I forgot to mention a real benefit of that kind of rest. I've heard that you can't catch up on sleep - that's a crock as far as I'm concerned. As long as I get a good 10 - 12 hours once a week, I rarely get sick, I can deal with stress better, my memory (very bad anyway) is much better, the urge to smoke is less (one year last week! Woohoo!), all sorts of wonderful things. Sleep is good!! And we never get enough of it nowadays.
But anyway, we seem to have a group of gluttons for punishment. I continually set myself up to be further disappointed in human nature. Thus my monthly People Suck(TM) rant. Do you think it's a product of the creative mind? Anyone else here do that?
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