I don't think it was wrong to suggest spreading the ashes over the grave of a family member, but it would be wrong to push the issue if she doesn't want to do it. Another possibility I have heard many people do is to plant a special tree or bush and put the ashes in the ground around it when you do so. Then it can be a special place for her to go when she is thinking of the baby, and feel close to him/her. I know you wouldn't have known the baby's gender at such an early gestation, but naming the baby can be very helpfull in the grief process. It can help with a sense of validation of the child's life. Some people have a strong feeling one way or the other as to gender, so they name accordingly, others choose a gender neutral name. Perhaps your wife might consider choosing a name. If she does feel the need to keep the ashes in your home perhaps she would consider a special 'memory box' and keep them in that. Did you have anything purchased for the baby? It doesn't have to be an urn on the shelf.

I know you want to live in the present and go forward to the future, but remember that doesn't mean forgetting the past. Your wife had a very strong attachment to your child. She loved him/her already and she has suffered the death of her baby. That baby didn't have to be born first in order for your wife to feel a very profound loss at his/her death. The death of this child will always be with her, always in her heart. That doesn't mean she ill always be depressed, but forgetting is not likely something that will happen and that is okay. Allow her to remember and to grieve as she needs to, now and in the future. Trying to help someone 'get over it' in my experince, is never actually helping.

Good luck to you. I hope you and your wife can find a smooth path through your journey of grief.

~"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me." C.S.Lewis~