Feeling lost
I am new to this sight, but have read many stories. It helps to know that I am not alone, but I still feel a sense of emptiness, as does my husband.
We decided to begin trying to conceive in September 2002. By February 2003 we thought we had, but were told it was a chemical pregnancy. Our doctor said that if we hadn't had a blood or pregnancy test, we would have not even known that we were pregnant. HCG levels dropped from a 6 to a 2. The experience left us very sad, but we then were overjoyed the next month to find that I was pregnant with an HCG level of 88. It seemed that the levels were stronger and that we were well on our way. We thought that our feeling was even more confirmed when the levels reached over a thousand from my first obgyn appt.
Last Wednesday I got concerned because I began to spot. It went from a brown to a red color. I immediately thought I was losing the baby. We called our obgyn office. The doctor on call tried to calm our nerves by letting us know that everything still might be ok, but that nothing could be done that night. He advised the only thing we could do if we wanted was go to the emergency room, have my blood drawn so that the HCG level could be determined.
When I went, it turned out to be more than just a blood test. They gave me a vaginal ultrasound, where I was able to see the justational sac with the smallest little white spot on the black screen. I thought since we were able to catch a glimpse of the baby it would be ok. She said there was no heart beat, but there wouldn't be a five weeks five days. Although I thought I was six weeks, I didn't think anything of it because I thought maybe we had conceived later than I thought.
I then had a pelvic exam. He said my cervix was closed which he thought was a positive sign. But everything turned negative when he came back with the HCG results. The number/level should have been over 10,000 - but instead was just over a thousand. He told me that I had to report to my obgyn office the next day to discuss options for the miscarriage.
I was devestated to say the least but went to the obgyn office and decided with the doctor to have a D&C the following day at the hospital. They put me out and woke up when the procedure was complete. Although I do feel a sense of closure, I still feel very empty and very sad. It scares me to try again because I am not sure I could ever go through this again. I know I was only six weeks, but what if I get pregnant again and miscarry when I am further along. I can't even imagine how much more devestated I would be.
I have a post op appt with the obgyn office next week. I guess I will confirm when it is ok to try again. Deep down I know I want to but it seems like a huge emotional risk.
Amy,
I want to say and how sorry I am for your loss.
I hope that you find strength and comfort from these ladies. They were a God send during my losses.
Please know that if you need us we are all here for you
Wendy DW to Clay Twin Angels, edd 12/9 Twin A, Abbey our First Angel in Heaven @ 8 wks, 5/03/02 Twin B, Madison Grace, born in Heaven @ 27 wks, 9/10/02
Amy - I'm so sorry for your losses. I know that this must be a very difficult time for you and your DH. I'm glad you found this board. The women here are wonderful and very supportive. Take care of yourself.
This group is made up of truly wonderful and caring women. Unfortunately, however there have been major changes to this site and we are moving the board to a new site pub180.ezboard.com/fpregn...babyfrm87. Everything over there is the same as here and the same group of wonderful women will be there, so please come over and join us!
You can cut & paste your post to repost it over there if you like.
Lisa Co-Moderator of Loss Support on ePregnancy & Pregnancy and Baby Co-Moderator of After Miscarriage on Before Pregnancy & BabyDustcom Host of After Failed Medicated cycle on BabyDustcom Started ttc, Nov 00 Cy 24, cy 8 after 2nd m/c Taking 100mgs of clomiphene 6th medicated cy My chart 2 angels in heaven: Bailey @ 12-13 wks, 21 Oct 01 & Jack @ 7-9 wks, 2 Aug 02 10 kgs to lose: **********
Feeling lost
and how sorry I am for your loss.
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