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1hillclimber
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Posts: 343
(11/15/04 11:23 pm)
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How Ironic
Saturday I was cleaning house as usual, and by Sunday morning I could barely breathe at all. I went to the doc today, and it appears that I have virally-induced asthma. Great. Just what I needed. That means that whenever anyone in the household gets a cold, I have to start taking breathing treatments now. According to the doc, where others get sinus infections (which I usually have a lot) or post-nasal drip, I will develop an asthmatic episode. Of course, she had to bitch me out for smoking, but I told her that I hadn't smoked since Sunday morning (the truth). Part of the irony here is that Sunday my best friend and I were discussing the fact that we both need to consider quitting smoking. There are a lot of reasons to do so, and they are all win-win. Quitting by the buddy system will help me out, since I am sort of sabotaged at home by all the smokers. But anyway...
Isn't there a saying about "He who dies with the most toys wins"...?
Checking out the new breathing equipment laid out on my kitchen table, I couldn't help but welcome myself to the world of the chronically ill. I now have a nice little nebulizer that looks like a small generator (my lungs' own personal power back-up), and a new state-of-the-art metal spacer to use on my inhaler. The lady at the medical equipment place was even kind enough to give Chip a little plastic mask for me to use with the inhaler...in the shape of a duck's bill!!!  Before anybody starts thinking that I'm totally thrilled with my new paraphernalia, let me set the record straight. I'm NOT! However, it can truly be scary when I can't draw a full breath. After two days of wondering if I'd ever breathe fully again, that nebulizer looks pretty damned good! So! I do what I have to.
I realize that things could be a whole lot worse, and I'm also reminding myself that there are so many other conditions I could have developed. But it is so ironic that it should be this one. Looking back throughout my life, what else could it have been? What did I enjoy doing above all else? Singing! Can't do much of that now.
I own a book by Louise Hay called "You Can Heal Your Life." I haven't looked through it lately, but if memory serves, I think she says that any malady with the lungs and the breath are due to a feeling of not ever being heard. Yeah, that about states it in a nutshell. Not only not really being heard, but also being slam-dunked for ever stating an opinion. And slam-dunked HARD!
I grew up trying to explain an awful lot. So maybe there's a totally different way of viewing this: maybe with the asthma, it's highly possible that I need to save whatever breath I have for something important to say...no explanations...no excuses...and to say things to those who DO listen. I don't know...just strange thoughts. At the moment, I have plenty of time to try to figure it out. Lots of adjustments to make...
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1hillclimber
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Posts: 346
(11/21/04 11:00 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
Okay, today makes eight freakin' days of this shit and I'm totally sick of it. I can't sleep because I can't stop coughing long enough. I get to sleep and then the coughing starts. I'm getting tired easy so I can't do much of anything. Sucks! After seven full days of Albuterol treatments, I have some horrible, horrible heartburn .
The weird thing is...since the asthma was the main concern at the time, the damned virus was never even talked about. It's just a virus...gotta let it take its course. Well, it's one of those crazy viruses that make ya sore all over. Not like "weight-lifting" sore...it's more like being burned all the way down to the bone kinda sore. I can't even be touched right now! That sucks for real! No shoulder-rubs, no nothin'! I finally got sick of it and called the doc back on Friday. She told me, basically, that it's a bad combination, the virus and the asthma, and that the medications are likewise a bad combination. She could give me something to help me sleep, but I didn't want any more medications.
The stopping smoking is gonna be the thing that's the toughest though. Hell, after totalling it all up, I've been smoking for 32 damned years! That's a long time. And it's scary. Look at all the folks out there who smoke for years, and then when they get tough enough to quit, THEN they get cancer or some other scary shit.
I am trying to remember that all this crap didn't happen overnight and it's not gonna get cured in a day, either. First of all, I gotta get over this crap. The doc said that they are seeing some really bad viruses out there this season, and they are still peaking at 7-10 days! So first, I gotta get over this crap. Then regain some strength. After that, I am promising myself that I am going to get really serious about this stopping smoking thing. I have to. I owe it to myself and my kids and my grandkids.
When I stop smoking, I'm gonna start singing again, so look out, folks!!!!! 
Hugs to all!
HC
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1hillclimber
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Posts: 349
(11/22/04 5:32 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
Okay...back to work today after a week of being out sick. I got lucky...wasn't too far behind in my work load. I have a good boss who helped keep me caught up. That's the good side. I also have a mildly aggravating boss (two sides of the same person) who keeps changing how I do my work, and then explaining it to me afterwards. I appreciate her going into my database and tweaking things...after all, she built the damned thing. But she has NOT given me adequate training or time to learn or permission to attend a class so that I can feel comfortable with this. So, it's starting to feel like she's going in there and making changes when I'm gone, and then giving me the new and improved version when I get back, and if I don't understand...oh well...this will be easier.
I hate that shit!!!!
Now don't get me wrong. If she hadn't made me totally responsible for the maintenance of the db and been forwarding all inquiries for information from the db to me, I wouldn't really give a damn what she did to it. But that ain't the case. I'm answerable, I'm responsible, and if somebody has a problem with whatever's in it, they come to me.
I have the ability to take a class from time to time that is being offered at the University from the IT folks, but the boss feels that the classes are not that helpful. She says the key is to get manual for the class (which I have to pay for) and then "get in there and play with it." It's all a matter of learning style. I can do that once I have at least a beginner's level of understanding with it. I don't have that with this database. I know a couple of things it can do, and that's ALL. So, I'm feeling frustrated and pissed off because I'm gettin' left behind in the dirt here, but yet I'm responsible for the outcome. Gotta do something! But what?
Hell, if all this keeps up, I'll be smoking twice as much instead of cutting down and then quitting. To be serious about that, I have set the target date of March 1st to be my first truly serious "smoke-free" date. It will be hard enough for me to get through the holidays, then the birth of my grandson, and I really wanna give myself a fighting chance here. I want to give myself plenty of time built in here in order to combat the sabotage because the rest of my family smokes. That means I gotta make the mental adjustments, and plenty of them. Here's how I got it lined out so far:
1) I have to stop "building a shrine" to 32 years of dedicated smoking. Hell! I'm lucky I'm still breathing! Sure, I understand why I did it. But like (shudder!) Dr. Phil says, "How's that workin' for ya now?" Like shit!
2) I think I should go ahead and figure out what I'm gonna do "instead." Trigger points, and how I'm gonna handle 'em. Oh yeah, I can keep my hands busy all the time, I got plenty of craft stuff for that. But ya can't craft 24/7...there's gotta be some down time. What about when I'm on the phone? What about when I'm driving?
3) Instead of saving "all that money" and putting it into the bills, I should put it into a "fun" fund. Since I'm the one not spending it on tobacco, then maybe I could do something else with it. Or even half and half...half into the bills and half for my reward.
Since we just had to "re-up" on our insurance for the coming year, I've had to do some investigation into the various plans available. Two things have been a worry point. One is that this stupid state has already tried (and failed) to pass a law that smokers have to pay higher premiums for their health insurance. I believe the law will eventually pass. Never mind the fact that this topic has always flipped my switch about "why don't the drinkers have to pay more too?" When it comes right down to it, they will raise my premiums and I can either pay them, or else I will have to do without. And I'm lucky...there are a blue million folks out there with NO insurance. When it hits in the pocket, that's an instant reality check. The other thing is, this year, our employer has hired a "managed healthcare company" for us...something I just hate, loathe and despise. My point is, I can manage my own care. BUT...as an incentive to deal with this, we were given information on how our premiums are going up, but if we do the survey for the managed care company, they will knock off $240 a year in the premiums. That's significant...$20 a month. So, my point with all this is that I am having to bite my tongue about a few things here that normally set me off; smoking, managed health care, and having my health insurance premiums go up. I'm just angry because once again, someone else controls the whole show. What I CAN control here is my own reactions to it all. So...I did the fuckin' survey, will save my $240 this year, try my best to quit smoking, and know all the while that this next year they will use the information I gave them to raise my premiums if I DON'T quit smoking. Oh yeah, I forgot to say, all the "health-related" questions were voluntary...EXCEPT for the one about whether or not I smoke. And the cherry in the pie for the managed care company? Well, they get to call us up on the phone once a month and ask us if we're still smoking!!!!!
There ya have it, two reasons to quit. My health, which is the biggest, and the fact that the state and the healthcare providers are still tryin' to pull a fast one! The smokers are gettin' sold down the road first. Wonder who'll be next? I'm already reading bits and pieces about the obese. One article I read actually stated that we should be libel for our lifestyle choices. Yeah, when it's the CHOICE that has made us this way (oh shit...that's a topic for a whole 'nother bitch session).
HC
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narshaadha
Moderator
Posts: 481
(11/22/04 7:49 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
Poor hillclimber! I'm behind you, too! Did you check out the herbs I listed for Gaia? They are for detox, stress, and freaking out. GET SOME. Maybe by March 1st you can have recruited more of your family to join you (?) And your best bud - ( Dee?) maybe she'll join you too. Lots of prior notice might convince them to go for it too....
love ya!
narshaadha
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Gaia Angel 
ezOP
Posts: 2267
(11/23/04 10:02 am)
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Re: How Ironic
there with ya gf!
only for me it was making my kids sick and 3 developing environmentl asthma and punky having to do the steriod thing to make me see. Its not easy its not fun and 100 times a day paul tosses a cigg at me and says "just shut up and smoke!"
*sigh*
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narshaadha
Moderator
Posts: 486
(11/23/04 6:46 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
Well that's real supportive of him.....
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Gaia Angel
ezOP
Posts: 2271
(11/23/04 7:12 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
 Yeah suprising huh? lol
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1hillclimber 
Moderator
Posts: 353
(11/23/04 11:14 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
Sho' yo' right, Green-Eyes. Nothing like a little home sabotage, huh? But you know you'll be the winner here. And if he's tossing cigs, then I assume he's smoking too? At least YOU will be doing what you need to do for the babies. What's his excuse? (No, you're not supposed to answer that...that's for the "MAN" of the house...)
I'm behind ya, gf...I think you're awesome!!!
Thanks, Deb...I did read the list of ingredients that you posted for G-Angel. I need to go back and look at them again, then write them down and head back to Nature's Magic to get what I need. This just has to work. I'm not giving it any other choice. I am already down to "ultra lights" and I'm going to try Astara's suggestion about the Commit lozenge. I'll give ya an update soon. I am not seriously gonna go smokeless until after Jacob gets here. It's hard for a momma to watch her baby go through labor. Are you getting this, G-Angel?
Love you guys!!!!
HC
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v27/gaiaangel/hc.jpg |
Astara1 
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Posts: 504
(11/24/04 5:40 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
I'm rooting for you Hillclimber!
I made up little rules for myself to help me quit, one is that when I do have a cig., I do nothing else while I'm smoking it, not even page through a catalogue, that way every little thing I do is not connected with smoking.
~Dreams are your own unique source of guidance and healing~
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narshaadha
Moderator
Posts: 486
(11/25/04 12:44 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
What a great idea, astara. It is good for you all to give each other tips. Me, I have only smoked 3 cigarettes in my life - not counting the homegrown ones - and I sure don't have any suggestions for you other than the herbs I posted. All I can do is be you guys cheering section. 
 - big time! narshaadha
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1hillclimber
Moderator
Posts: 355
(11/25/04 10:57 pm)
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Re: How Ironic
Thanks, you guys...it really does help, believe me. I love the idea, Astara. When I have a cig...don't let myself do anything else. Good idea. 'Cos I get impatient and have to get up and get things done. That should help.
Hey, Deb...it's quite okay. We truly do need a cheering section, trust me. And I can't think of anyone better than you to do it!!!!!
Love you guys!
HC
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Astara1
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Posts: 506
(11/26/04 9:02 am)
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Re: How Ironic
Three cheers for our cheering section! Narshahda 
I have to constantly stop myself from jumping up to do something while I sit there smoking, but when I'm done, I get so busy that I forget about smoking for quite a while.
~Dreams are your own unique source of guidance and healing~
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narshaadha
Moderator
Posts: 493
(12/4/04 9:08 am)
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Re: How Ironic
So how goes the battle, hillclimber? (and astara, if you're reading this...) Haven't heard much...it's alittle scarey...
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