manniac dharma explorer
Posts: 83
(8/1/01 9:35 pm) Reply
Is the show over?
There comes a time...a moment of realization...when all that you *knew* was true crumbles in broken bits at your feet. After the weight of countless insults and insinuations, harmless enough when taken one by one, add up to a death blow. Feeling like a third-rate boxer who didn't know when to throw in the towel...spending more years than you care to admit shaking off shouted jabs and whispered sucker punches...pretending you didn't hear them. Years of successes not noticed or mentioned, and failures magnified to movie screen proportions....played over and over and over again like dialog on an endless recording...just to make sure you heard it.
It leaves you bruised...bloodied...
broken.
So you tell yourself that you don't even care. All the while knowing that's a lie...it wouldn't hurt if you didn't care.
Each wound leaves a callous. Do I really want to find out how many callouses are needed before the heart has hardened to the point that it feels no more pain?
I am trying to approximate my reaction to reading this, manniac.
...I have no idea whether you find yourself in this state currently or whether this is prose through a character's voice.
Either way, know that the words disappeared as I read it and simply became a voice in my own mind...the highest praise I can give to prose is that I have no idea I'm reading...that the words become my thoughts because the language is so fluid.
The heart can always feel.
Numbness = all variations of emotions blended together at one time until none of them are tangible or distinct any longer. They separate out back into distinct recognizable patterns when the overload subsides.
Re: Is the show over?
Beautifully put, and I too hope it's just a character. However, those words do remind me of high school, when being Mr. Movie Guy wasn't so "cool" whatever that means.
But as a romantic, and an innocent.. I seem to get beaten to a bloody pulp, and still go back, hoping that it'd be different the next time.. In short, my heart never hardens.
Janny
I give up on everything that ever was anything.
manniac dharma explorer
Posts: 84
(8/2/01 5:34 am) Reply
Re: Is the show over?
No, not words of a character. Sadly autobiographical. But, I'll keep on pretending...too old and tired to start over now.
re: Is the Show over?
That's powerful writing, Manniac. I received it like a punch in the gut.
But it's never too late to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again. I am sure there are other contributors to this board who can verify this.
Spit it all out into your work and keep it under lock and key.
It's my 35th this year. Ugh!
Is the show over... or is a change of scenery needed? manniac,
... Please wait until the end of this message before reacting ...
RE "There comes a time...a moment of realization...when all that you *knew* was true crumbles in broken bits at your feet": You made a decision and lived with the pain of another's attitude; does that change YOUR decision? Have you simply gone to the point where further effort on your part seems fruitless or have you repented making the decisions that got you to this point?
The Greeks had three words that they used for the caring in personal relationships: eros, philios, & agape. We all know the basis for eros; most are familiar with the basis of philios. IMHO, however, there are all too many people who do not understand the basis of agape - this is a choice to love another regardless of anything they do.
Lack of beauty can erode the power of eros.
Anger and lack of perception can shatter the bonds of philios.
Only you can change the decision to love another.
This is not to say that you love being hurt; having one that you care about belittle you hurts more than the barbs thrown by those you do not know.
This is not to say that love allows itself to be abused. It will, however, allow the abuser to suffer the consequences of that abuse.
If you are simply worn down and unable to exert any effort in the relationship, you might be able to regain that ability after a break from each other's presence. If you have actually repented making the decision to love this other person, then you would likely be better off physically retreating and declaring defeat.
I wish you peace and comfort even in the difficulties.
I hope you are able to discover what YOU want to reach for.
I hope you can reach what you want.
I guess the final line is that in life the show goes on...
Edited by: Dart at: 8/2/01 12:13:34 pm
manniac dharma explorer
Posts: 85
(8/2/01 8:53 pm) Reply
.
Thank you all very much for expressing your concern. Your kind and thoughtful words were what I needed to hear from someone. Ironic that the emotional support I needed was to be found in virtual friends, but literal strangers. Thanks for taking time to listen to me vent.
The Buddha was right when he taught that *all* attachment leads to suffering and unhappiness...perhaps especially attachment to another human.
Dart - Love is a peculiar beast, isn't it? Completely irrational, utterly self-sacrificial, but I'm hooked no matter the cost. Though the pain of staying may be great, the pain of living without her would be greater.
Nous - I think that first post (with a bit of re-working) will be the prologue to my next novel. Hell, I should be able to get a six figure advance on the basis of that alone!
Once again, thanks to all who have took the time to provide a bit of comfort and condolence to me.
Quote: Love is a peculiar beast, isn't it? Completely irrational, utterly self-sacrificial, but I'm hooked no matter the cost
Love sure is a peculiar type of beastie...
Like I said about agape, it is a decision and it is difficult to change once that decision has been made. Repenting of that decision requires stating that it was wrong at the beginning and there is too much bound up in most relationships to allow that statement to be true; there is always some point where the desire is stronger than the repent.
May you find some measure of peace in your situation.
Edited by: Dart at: 8/3/01 11:54:48 am
I am sorry that I didn't see this earlier...too busy fighting off sucker punches myself.
How very accurate your post feels...direct hit. We all have had this feeling at very low moments. I have been recently fighting my own.
I hope you have pulled out of it by now...if so I too have hope.
I have noticed that I have a tendancy to emerse myself in this deeply every few years...almost a cleansing, albeit with acid. Maybe someday I'll figure out why.
manniac dharma explorer
Posts: 212
(11/15/01 10:00 pm) Reply
Re: .
Hang in there, Jim. There's hope!
People change over time, and people in relationships don't always change at the same time in the sameway.
You can't keep a roaring fire going forever...the parties involved seem to take turns adding wood and occasionally dousing it with water. You just have to add a little more wood after the water has sizzled into steam.
The fire burns on...a little less brilliantly, perhaps...but it will burn on.
Re: .
Somehow I missed this. I was here back in August I think, but I missed it nonetheless. In a way I'm glad, because I would never have remembered it now. And thanks, Damnit Jim, for bringing it back to the top of the list.
manniac and Damnit Jim - I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts. But thank you. Thank you for writing it, thank you for bringing it back to the surface. I'm sure you didn't intend for this to be a lesson, but that's what it is for me. And for the next few months, until we've sorted the his and hers and the divorce is final, I will come back to this. It's for me, a reflection of what might have been if we had not made this decision.
I don't want callouses. I don't want to resent him. I'd rather just be his friend.
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