Performance anxiety.
I was talking with a friend about an impending audition, and they asked me if I was nervous – or would I be.
I replied that I love auditions, as you have no idea what they are going to ask you to do, and you get to ad-lib and fart around generally. Even if you have prior knowledge of what’ll be asked of you (at Final Call etc), you still let it all out, knowing that you you’ll either get the part or not….
Now, when it actually comes to performance, be it waiting in the wings, or in a trailer, waiting to be called on set – things are different. The churning anxiety has made me physically sick more than once, and I wanted to ask why this is, as I’ve never understood.
When I’m on the stage in front of an audience or on set with directors and crew breathing down your neck – I’m fine! I love it! Even after 10 takes on a tight time budget I can keep my concentration and a smile on my face, but just before you go on……? >shudder<
I remember once when rehearsing a film script, the director sat us down, and one by one picked up our scripts, dumped them dramatically in his bag, and asked me to kick off a run-through. It was awful, my mind went blank, and I stood there for what seemed like an eternity mouthing like a goldfish until somebody gave me my line…..This is what I think of before going on, in full knowledge that I’ll be OK when I’m up….
I suppose the same is for all of us who create for an audience. The artist at their exhibitions, poets at their readings and musicians at their recitals…..all anxious to show they’re capable, talented, no one wanting to let down the others.
So what of you? Any tales of nerves, of creative angst? What are the sides to your own creative outlets that give you the heebie jeebies.…?
I used to go to three or four poetry readings a week (when I was in Florida). For a long time I was accompanied by my then-boyfriend. He and I were particularly known for our sexy, suggestive poetry and had become quite popular in our little group of poets. Cheers when we followed each other on stage and all that, our audience for the most part knowing we'd only try to upstage each other. The poem "Tonn's Tongue" is a perfect example . . .
Knowing how popular my poetry was didn't do a damn thing to diminish my performance anxiety, however. Even in our writing groups held at each other's houses, a select group from whom there would never be disapproval, I was still terribly nervous while reading my work. I was always very successful in those readings, rarely flubbed the words, but it became common practice for the host of the open mic night to have a chair or stool available for me because if I read more than one piece I was shaking so badly I could barely stand.
I wasn't emabarrassed about it, I even wrote a poem about it once, but I could never understand it.
Maybe it all stems from that time in high school when I misspoke a line in "To Kill A Mockingbird" but was so involved I didn't even know it, just kept right on going, until I looked off stage briefly to see the love of my life (my teacher, with whom I was completely infatuated!) bowled over with silent laughter. I was so mortified I couldn't get a line right the rest of the play. That's it! It's all his fault, the bastard!!
I have no idea how actors do it. Getting up on stage with nothing but my own memory and whatever intensity I can muster has only succeeded in producing the most significant case of "the shakes" that I can remember....
...and Shakespeare's bad girls aren't really cut out to have the shakes.
For me:
Staring at blank paper is nerve wracking.
Promoting myself to galleries is nerve wracking.
I don't think my exhibit will be intimidating...by then, I'm pretty much done...I guess the acting equivilent would be sitting around waiting for the morning paper so you can read the reviews.
My one stint on stage performing in front of a public/paying audience was as the lead singer in a band. Although I was nervous for the first few bars, as soon as I realized I could still hit notes, I rolled through the set with true joy.
Everytime I am forced to memorize a large set of linguistic information and placed in front of an audience, however small, I entirely forget what I memorized...so I have never been able to understand how actors retain voluminous amounts of lines while attempting to control their sweaty palms. Do you have special ways in which you learn lines? Do you recite this stuff to yourself in the shower and the supermarket until you've got it down cold?
In terms of staging, if you're doing a play, do you also memorize "how" you're going to act or does that change from night to night? In other words, once you get it down, is your performance pretty much set? Or do you consciously choose to vary it from time to time?
I've never really thought too much about how I memorise script - essentially it is just a case of reading it over and over, and having plenty of rehearsal time.
I think there is a nice link to memorising lines and rememboring things in general, because once you have the flow of a piece in your head, it just drags itself over the edge - once you start, it just pours out.
Theatre is the best example of this, but it only takes one noise in the audience or a hiccup from a fellow player and you corpse. This is why I love film so much. If you corpse, you get another go, and so on till everybody's happy - performing in small chunks makes it easier to draw what's needed from within. You can really put it all on knowing that a fag break will only be a few minutes away...
I remember a play I was in some years ago - The Caretaker by Pinter. 450 people were in what was a crucible theatre, and I was required to smoke in this particular scene. As a smoker, it was fine, but as I waited for my cue for a particularly long exposition, smoke gets in my eyes! It really stung, and blew my concentration completely but I managed to get through it!
Not my best performance, but one that could have had me leaving the theatre in a hearse!
As far as knowing 'how you are going to act' on any given night goes - that's all down to rehearsals.
The director is the head of the process, and with all other input you decide how you want things done and are suppposed to stick to the plan throughout a run - though it seldom works like that.
As i've stated, it only takes a one deviation to send things spinning off, so it's important to be able to ad-lib when needed, and also to be able to fine-tune over a number of performances.
The director will always break down a performance, but you know where 'you' stand. - the worst directors faff about trying to get something across to the players without the ability to actually convey the slightest detail.
Re: Performance anxiety.
Out of curiousity...when you're onstage, do you get a "performance high"? or do you simply settle into a feeling of normalcy after a while?
I had a high from singing onstage but music may entail a bit more adrenaleine.
Feel the rush....
It's the sort of high that can take a very long time to wear off!
I think a better term would be 'rush', at least, that's the one generally used to describe the feelings that performance gives...
It generally occurs on big nights - openings, finals or busy weekends when the audience is larger than usual. It is quite possible to slip into a routine - especially during long runs...
Still, nothing prepared me for the rush of filming.
If you can pull out the stops and bring the cast and crew into the room to shake your hand - if you can nail a tough scene in one take or perform something physically demanding and finish to applause from everybody in the room - it's addictive, some of the best feelings in the world! The sort of feelings you put yourself through all the shit for!
Re: Feel the rush....
The reeling I get when I am on stage, and afterwards is like a 3-4 hour orgasm.. Everything just is so intense and wonderful.. And then when its all done, I just am wiped to the core..
Re: That break...
When I read at a poetry event in London last weekend...
There were 20 readers, who were picked in random order. My nerves went roughly thus:
- while listening to others, nothing
- immediately before each next reader was revealed, my heart raced for a second or so
- when finally called, the surge kicked in
- while reading poems, I was lost to them and nothing mattered else
- immediately after each poem (and during the obligatory applause), intense nerves
- shaking on the way back to my seat
I also am aware of minor shakes while doing the poems themselves, but am assured this is not noticeable.
Thusly I ascribe the pre-match jitters to the physiological adrenaline boosts - tho I'm no physician. Nerves are always supposed to be a good sign that the adrenalin is pumping you up for the big event. Once you're up there, it's already kicking and you don't feel the difference in your body coz, relatively speaking, you've already made the shift up-gear. When it's over, the surge drains away and you're left realising what you've just done, which makes you self-aware and so, nervous.
I also think the subject self-exaggerates the nerves and shakes, as most audience don't pick up on it. Granted, this may be coz the audience is focused more on the aspect of the performance which is salient (eg in poetry, the reader's face), but also I think that when the adrenalin's kicking, the body is more alert to its own stimuli, just as it would interpret sounds in the forest more intensely in a hostile situation with a rival tribesman at night - if you went back towards the dawnings of human time.
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