...I quite like it DeShaz, it presents itself as an almost tiny thought, the smallest of feelings, yet it conveys a sadness and desire that belies it's essential brevity of language.
I've never been a fan of chipping away at a poem as one would with a sculpture, i've always believed that the essence of a poem can be easily lost with too much tinkering - here I enjoy the stylistic elements, such as the brief structures followed by the longer sentences at the end of each stanza - In terms of lexical choice, I would not use the word 'sleep' the second time (or 'friend'). Or would I include it again at the start of the final stanza? See? I'm no good at this - we murdered so much poetry at Uni I prefer to leave it largely unmolested in my non-academic career ;-)
Re: For what it's worth....
Thanks, LaHibou. I know what you mean. It's possible to ruin the original feeling trying to make it *better*. The second stanza, in particular, feels too whiny and I have an almost compulsive need to correct the grammar. I'm also agreeing with getting rid of the second sleep. It needs re-working but not killing.
Re: .
I agree with Manniac's take. Burn the "which".
As well as what may be a breach of perspective, the word "which" does not seem appropriate in statements of self - in this case an allusion to powerlessness. When it is removed, it doubles in effect, by adding a sense of ethical propriety: the sum "I cannot control because I have no power" plus "I cannot control because it is wrong to control them" ('I shall not want').
Re: .
I convinced myself I wanted to keep the which last night...till I read Falderal's post.
This isn't the greatest work of art...but in my head, I hear this ...sigh....
worrying about things
sigh
which I can't control
I really appreciate the thoughts and chances are...the whole thing will end up reworked eventually.
What iceberg?Edited by: DeShaz at: 12/3/03 12:13 pm
Oh, but it's so wonderful to be able to talk about this stuff with other writers. We're all ultimately responsible for what we do with a piece...but to be able to yak about whether to leave this word in or change that phrase...without feeling too self-centered or like you're annoying everyone...it's damn special.
)
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