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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 156
(8/31/04 1:03 pm)
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my journal (mature subject matter)
August 31, 2003
Today's been interesting... sam and l finally started seriusly looking for something we've wanted to explore, and so far it's been... not quite what l expected. not easy, and the obvious definitely isn't the answer.
you see, we've been talking about having a slave (NOT forcibly... can you really see me doing that to someone against their will?) but figured it would have to wait till we got out of college, or at the very least high school, and had our own place.
anyway, l was surfing the yahoo chat rooms, and l realized something.. not that l didn't already know it, but anyway.
was talking to this one guy, said he'd teach me how to be a slave if l wanted him to, and l decided to give it a shot...
so l did, but l've come to the conclusion that l'm not slave material... at least not at the moment, and definitely not on a permanent basis...
so dyou think l'm strange, or cruel? lol...
laurie.
ps, dont worry. anyone can post in this thread if they want... this slave things' been on my mind for months, tossing it back and forth, seeing how l feel about, so yeah.
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Gaia Angel 
ezOP
Posts: 1928
(8/31/04 1:11 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
The one thing you have to remeber is, ultimately the submissive is the one in controll....it begins and ends with THEM. I dont think your weird at all. Young enough to be curious and strong enough to explore it. I say go you and congrates sam! lol
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narshaadha
Moderator
Posts: 381
(8/31/04 1:25 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Well maybe it's my age (52) or maybe it's the people I used to hang out with, but I have never heard of this before. Please explain what the heck you're talking about 
narshaadha
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 157
(8/31/04 1:33 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
sure, no problem.
basically, you ever hear of bdsm?
bondage, dominance, submission, and masochism..
sam and l are into some of the more mild stuff, and having a slave comes under dominance... being dominant (having control, weather it's physical, mental or whatever) over someone else, usually in a sexual way. now, as far as l'm concerne, gaia's right when it comes right down to it,... the submissive (the one being controlled) actually has quite a bit of controll... it's a matter of... limits, l suppose, and what you want out of the relationship.
sam and l, tho, are basically looking for something to add to our relationship, and wil know it when we see it, l think.
laurie.
ps, no problem asking... least this way you didn't get the it's torture and shit only view... lol.
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Gaia Angel
ezOP
Posts: 1931
(8/31/04 2:23 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Its a completely consentual controll game basically narsh. there is usually a totaly unrealted keyword that the particpants can use to call a halt to it, since "No, no" can in BSDM actually mean "Yes more" It may be like Swing set, teddy bear...something off the wall unrealted and can act as cold water if things get out of hand. Some people (usually, honestly the very strong alpha type OUT of the bedroom) like to be controlled, "forced" to do stuff, told not to touch certain parts.... I have a friend whos husband is a submissive....she has made him follow her on a dog leash as she cleaned the house nude...which turns him on....but he wasnt allowed to touch lol....she said the gentle torment of this heightens sexual awareness. Now, you would never know this man...a police srgt., would be submissive, but he is.
It is an area I havent felt comfortable exploring but i find it a wonderfull coupe for sexual expression when people (especially women) explore it. weather master or slave, i think you have to be in touch with key parts of yourself and a great trust in your partner to explore it.
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Akuma Kijin
Defender Beast and Fowl
Posts: 81
(8/31/04 9:22 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Also alot of people now have two safe words. for instance red and yellow. Red means stop, realese me what ever and yellow means to proceed with caution. As well their is this survay on the net now that you can fill out to help show your master or mistress your limits so the fun isn't interupted quiet as often . if any body wants this I'll post it over in my name.
~Sam
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 160
(9/2/04 10:45 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
hey... sam's being a little nuts right now, but anyway.
a lot happened today, lol. after the fight sam and l had, we actually ended up talking, about a lot of stuff.
mainly, though, it was about dominance and submission, and me needing to get a job. l'll address those one at a time though, since they're both kind of important. l'm writing this to clear my mind, and see what some of you think, since your opinion's matter to me. A lot, actually. lol :P
Dominance and Submission:
sam brought it up after visiting a new ez site l joined, called The Journey of the Ways. it's main focus is bdsm, with a emphasis on Dominance and Submission... when we were talking, l brought up something l've been rolling around in my mind: How dyou know if you're a sub or not?
First of all, l asked sam what he thought of being a slave, and he said he didn't like it (l'm not surprised there, lol.) second, he said something that kinda stunned me.
Pretty much what he said was this: he would bet any money that l'm a sub, based on the way l act.
a couple examples are:
-> the way l'm always looking for his approval, especially if l do something that l actually care about (ie cooking, writing, recently working on the book case lm refinishing)
-> the way l tend to look to him for answers, guidance, safety...
-> the idea that l've always wanted - more like craved - for someone to protect me, in almost all ways (despite my... say rambunctiousness... )
-> the fact that one of the most important things in my life is knowing he's happy, taken care of, and all around pleased with me (l'm not talking the old farmer's wife, only place in the world is at home naked and pregnant thing... ugh. hehe)
Honestly, until he brought some of it up, l never realized l was doing it. l'm not positive yet, but l think l agree with him... and l'm not just saying this to please him, though that in itself would indicate that l am.
anyway, l'm still exploring this stuff, and will be for quite a while, but... l dunno. it feels the same as when l made my decision to explore wicca.. and when l finally made my decision to actually enter the craft.
okay... enough of that one.
Me needing a job:
Honestly, for the last couple years, the idea of getting a job terrifies me. Always had, in a way, but l know l need to, if we're to be able to life the lifestyle we've been talking about... by that, l mean not having to worry about money constantly, being able to buy something and not scrimp for the next five months as penance...
anyway, l've changed my mind about something, or begun to seriously doubt it:
being a youth worker.
in a lot of ways, it's... somethign that appeals, l guess, but only to the extent that it might be interesting, and l'd be helping people.
That doesn't mean that l really look forward to it, or whatever, although l tried to convince myself that l did, and was... l have a lot of interests, and a lot of hobbies, many of them relating to various jobs.
thing is, l dont hve the depth of interest in any one area to actually want work in it, or even be able to, really....
so what do l do?
l've been trying to make a decision regarding this for the last six or so years, and it's... terrifying. always has been.
but for the last six months or so, l thought l'd picked something, and so desperately wanted to believe it, even though l started doubting it (in my heart, not just worrying) a couple weeks or something after l chose it.. bleah. l'm stuck, and time's running out. l dont know what else to say, but there's still so much l could say. grr.
~laurie.
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Life Clinger
New Student/Teachers Apprentice
Posts: 6
(9/3/04 12:21 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
i feel it was my falt that you two had a fight cause if i would have never asked if you guys wanted pizza you two would never have had a fight in the first place. sorry i did what did. i know what your going to say though that its not my falt, but feel like if i didn`t even go over nothing would have happend. sorry
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Gaia Angel
ezOP
Posts: 1966
(9/3/04 5:08 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Kevin, dude, take responsibility for ur actions or words....never for the offer of food... if they faught then there was something that needed to be said. end of story.....twere no fault of your own. and because of the fight it looks like things the laurie needed knwon ARE now...so chill  
NOW, laurie and sam. I am wondering, and bear in mind, i support the whole explor YOU thing yall are doing. But I wonder if, in light of sams insight, laurie shouldnt wait until she gets her personal power back before continuing with the slave training? I know cold water on your fun but bear with me. Sam, in order for her to be a HAPPY slave (and not dump your ass in a year or two) is for her to be WHOLE....make sense? Maybe if you help her work on the issues that CAUSE her to want to constantly please ect? because even with those issues addressed, shes probably still going to like being a sub. a mark of maturness and love in a man is that he is willing to pause his own pleasure to see his mate happy...even if that means a break from games to heal an internal wound....make sense? But think about this.....she feels she, right now, HAS no internal personal power. I know this because an eon ago i was laurie lol ('cept i couldnt do bdsm....i hate pain and first order woulda pissed me off lol) but without internal personal power, the power of her spirit is the only thing your submitting....which in the end may destroy her. Its rather like driving a car on only fumes of gasoline and not the gas its self....make sense?
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Akuma Kijin
Defender Beast and Fowl
Posts: 88
(9/3/04 6:01 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Makes sense Gaia.
When I talked to her it was a "do you feel this way, would you feel this way" type of deal. I love her with all my might and honestly if she needed time to regain her inner strength (which I think she might now that I look at it) then that is what she will have. It can be frustraiting to us both sometime ya know. Frustrating in the fact that she can't really decide what she wants to do with her life and frustraiting that really there is know way I can help her with it, I can help her after she decides but not before. Know what I mean? Any way thank you for the insight Gaia, I think it may really help
And kevin its not your fault. We would have probably had the fight weather you invited us for pizza or not. Or if not that fight another one possibly worse. I was in a shitty mood last night and I took it out on you both and for that I am truly sorry. Don't think though even for a moment that you had anything to do with that fight. In fact you probably lessened a storm that was on the horizon
~Sam
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 161
(9/3/04 8:55 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
hey...
first of all, kevin, SHUT UP. stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over, kay?
anyway, hi gaia.
this whole sub thing is.. new to me, in that l didn't consider myself sub before, or even really think of it, though l knew l'd be filling that role once in a while, kind of as rpg. anyway, l dont think we'd begin training for quite a while yet anyway, since l wanna take my time, learn more about it and so on, let it settle, ya know? also, l wanna let myself get used to the idea, see if in a couple weeks (we're talking longer than that l think, but tha'ts just an example) the idea's still okay with it.
the funny thing is, though, despite all the stuff l told you before, about bruce, l'm okay.. l'm not sure what that was, but lm' getting over him, l think... most of the time now, l dont even like him, lol... anyway, the reason l brought this up.. because l know l've got a lot of stuff going on in my head right now, especially of the emotional part. l agree with you, l dont wanna hurry this along and find that in a year or two l'm not happy... but.. it feels that for right now (at this time in my life, not THIS INSTANT,) that this is right...
we'll see, though.
l'm still EXPLORING, though, gaia. dont worry, l'm gonna do my best not to rush into it, and l know sam's not gonna let me, either.
laurie.
ps. Thanx. *hugs* love ya.
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 165
(9/6/04 10:12 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
hey guys
just gonna do a quick post here.
first of all, colin's home till wednesday, which means l wont have much time on the net, and schools' starting tomorow, so yeah.
l'll try and get on wed night though, for a longer period, if not sooner. love ya all.
laurie.
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starwind123 
Goddess of the arts
Posts: 606
(9/7/04 1:29 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Hey larie just so ya know on the Slave master bit been there doen that... in case ya wanna talk about it... a few words.. controled situaltion the " right " person, and never let it come out of the bedroom as it can take over your whole life.. it lends itself to massive egositical behaivor if not handled carefully
my two cents
Starwind
Blessings on your coming
Blessings on your going
Blessings on all your house |
lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 168
(9/9/04 9:10 am)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
l'd appreciate that, esta..
this whole issue is... something that's fairly important to me, but l want to handle it carefully, cus you're right.. if not, it could ruin my whole relationship, not to mention the affects stuff like that could have on me, mentally and emotionally.. if (or when, l dont know either way yet) l take that step, l want it to be the right one.. l've even went so far as to ask sam what would happen if l did change my mind, and so on... um, could we meet online at some point then? thanx... l really do appreciate it, ya know.
laurie.
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itty b
She of the Open Mind and giving heart
Posts: 164
(9/12/04 9:36 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
(This message was left blank)
~Life is not always what we make it...sometimes it is better~
Edited by: itty b at: 10/9/04 4:43 am
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Gaia Angel
ezOP
Posts: 2073
(9/12/04 9:48 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
Allllrighty then! of all our members I expected to be versed in BSDM....um itty...you were not one!!! I am not sure weather to be proud or flabbergasted!! call me proudly flabbergasted!
GREAT info!
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itty b
She of the Open Mind and giving heart
Posts: 170
(9/13/04 6:25 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
(This message was left blank)
~Life is not always what we make it...sometimes it is better~
Edited by: itty b at: 10/9/04 4:44 am
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 178
(9/13/04 7:32 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
thank you, itty. l printed both posts out, hope you fdont mind, for further reading... it means a lot that your'e willing to tell me about this stuff, cus that's just it - l want to be safe AND happy... and if this is what fullfills me, then so be it, but it's going to be the right thing for me, before l do anything else. thank you... l'll respond more once l've fully went over this, and see what happens, kay?
laurie.
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itty b
She of the Open Mind and giving heart
Posts: 171
(9/13/04 8:53 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
(This message was left blank)
~Life is not always what we make it...sometimes it is better~
Edited by: itty b at: 10/9/04 4:45 am
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 184
(9/17/04 11:40 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
hey...
yeah, thanx itty. l really do appreciate it. it's easier, somehow, when it's someone you know from somewhere safe, ya know?
anyway...
last couple days kinda sucked , l guess, but parts were good. got a bit depressed last night, nad tonight, but l'm over it now, so it's okay. yesterday was actually the first day it'd happened in a LONG time, so l can deal with it, lol..
school's been... interesting. hard in a way, cus of the projects l got due, but l can deal with it.
l hope.
anyway, just a quick update to let yo know l'm gnna get online again as often as l can, but l'm tired and l wanna go to bed. just wanted to say hi to everyone, let u all know l love ya, and l'm still around...
laurie.
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 188
(9/26/04 2:29 pm)
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Re: my journal (mature subject matter)
hey.
there's so much going on right now, it's hard to understand. l've got school work caught up, thank god, but for a couple days last week l was down with a cold (part of the reason l wasn't online for the last week), and had homework coming out my ears. right now l'm reading stuff on a bdsm board l belong to, and it's really helpful, but l was reading something by a member, and... it sends shivers down my spine. the extent this woman's relationship with her Master goes to, it's... for me, it's horrifying. from what she said, if he wanted to hurt her (even cut off her limbs, in HER words), being a slave she has no option but to live with it, and possibly beg for mercy. then again, nothing says he'd give it to her, either... l can't help but wonder how she manages to live like this, but at the same time, by the sounds of her post she really is happy... or... fullfilled. l dont see how she could be happy, but l think she is.
does that make sense?
l guess this brought up another question for me.
l know l've mentioned Sam and l wanting a slave before, and that l'm wondering if l'm not a sub myself, but anyway.,
l've been thinking about that quite a bit this week, but l haven't came to any real conclusions. this is... a big thing, for me. and an important one, no matter what my decision.
l've gotta decide what's healthy for me, and so does sam, and go from there, but that's hard to do. seriously hard to do.
guess these are just my thoughts right now.... anyway, l just wanted to let everyone know l'm around, and going to be posting more again. lol, sorry l was gone.
and iris, if you read this, *hugs* hope everythings going well. love you.
laurie.
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