Blue Registered User
Posts: 42
(2/20/04 2:31 am) Reply
So there's this little thing that happened today
A funny thing happened today.
Finding a way to capture everything I want to communicate is always an interesting challenge and one that I've yet to successfully address, but I'll do my best.
I've been a motorcycle mechanic for the past decade or so and a damn fine one at that. My talent has opened doors literally around the world and created a nice standard of living for my wife and I. I found an opportunity, leveraged my position and got exactly and precisely what I'd always wanted. I run the show, call the shots, steer, aim, guide, hire and fire and I don't have a single penny of my own money invested. Couldn't bitch if I wanted to and I'm the envy of my desk-driving friends, my blue-collar friends, my millionaire clients and my old co-workers. If ever there was a 'working-dream', I have it.
I hate it!
Absolutely sick to freakin' death of it. The very thought of returning to my shop depresses me.
Because of the turn of events (the loss of Indian corporate that I bitched of previously) we found ourselves or rather, I found 'my' company without direction - because I couldn't find one to take it. We examined a multitude of options and eventually settled on a course of action out of the need to have a direction more than anything. Upon embarking on this new course I found myself constantly bombarded with obstacles, issues and problems. The company I was negotiating with began playing games, changing the rules, lieing, misleading us and otherwise jerking our collective chain. The list of bullshit is extensive, but not really the point. It's been a headache since day one and I've not enjoyed it. Because of developments within the last week I made a tentative deal with the devil that would allow (nice word for force) my current shareholders to wind up the operation, sell the assets and walk away - not something I feel good about. Rather, since discussions began with the devil, I've felt a tremendous sense of foreboding but failed to realize any real alternatives.
This morning my wife and I climbed out of bed at 4am to make our 7am flight to meet with our prospective supplier. Little do they realize we're about to kick them in the proverbial nuts. The devil...err...my competitor and I have come to an agreement that we'll act as a joint venture operation when dealing with the supplier, thereby negating their power and putting all the moves in our hands. Anyway, we line up to pass US Customs pre-screening, security, Dept. of Treasury forms, Homeland Security checks and so on. Fun fun fun.
30 minutes after clearing security and 10 minutes before boarding, two Customs agents 'escort' my wife and I to an interview room where I'm told I won't be flying today. I didn't know what to say. I know I have skeletons in my closet, but they're old and really dusty and not that interesting. In fact, in the last decade I've crossed the border a dozen times and have had to deal with my skeletons several times, but have never been refused entry. My frustration cracks the scale, but I manage to keep my cool. Nothing left to do but go home to think.
It's taken a few hours for everything to settle in, for the full impact to hit and here's what I know. I didn't want to go to Florida, I tried to get out of it several times without success. I DON'T WANT this new product line! I've been struggling, fighting, dealing, stressing, losing sleep and almost begging for this yet I want no part of it! I am so relieved I'm not there right now. This entire deal is best described as an ordeal, and it took sitting back to have an objective view to realize what I'd been doing. I hate what I'm doing so why am I destroying myself to prop up a business I need to escape with a product I have no passion for supplied by people who've continually fucked me around?
Don't misunderstand - this is not a case of sour grapes by any means. Several weeks ago my wife made the comment that current directions had become such an intolerable hassle that perhaps the universe was trying to tell us something. We made the decision late last week that should we not make it to the meeting for any reason, we'd stop banging our head against the wall and take the lesson being handed to us by <insert higher power/universal awareness/collective conciousness of your choice here>.
I'm so happy, I was crying tonight - a cathartic release of the tension, depression and fear I'd been carrying around for months. As we often do, my wife and I went for a drive to ponder our new possibilities. No sooner are the words "I feel like the fog is lifting" out of my mouth and the Black Crow's chorus comes blasting through the radio and into our conciousness "Seeing things for the first time". It's so momentously perfect I'm stunned. I can't help but laugh. I laugh so hard, I'm crying - my eyes are watering so bad I can't see and almost run us and some else off the road. I laugh like a mad-man for a solid minute, unable to control myself, a danger to everyone in and around our vehicle.
Tomorrow we sit down and plan our new future. We have some ideas, but nothing written in stone. One thing is clear - we're going to roll up our current operation because there's only one life to live and I haven't been living mine.
I'm so happy my cheeks hurt from smiling.
This feels as momentous an occasion as the caterpillar and the butterfly. The awareness and the internal awakening taking place is that significant. This isn't a matter of "I don't like my job so I'm going to change it". This is about who I thought I was, who I've been and who I'm discovering I really am. I struggle to find the words to express both what is happening and how I feel. How can I communicate brain-speak and something as etheral as emotion? I want to cheer at the top of my lungs!
I don't think I'm Blue anymore. I'm going to be happy.
Hey Happy!!!!! What a metamorphosis! THat was a damn good effort of expressing yourself, and a good thing too, cuz when the going gets tough, you'll have this fabulous moment down in writing of how ecstatically happy you are. You can always come back and read this and remember the ordeal and re-appreciate the choice you and your wife have made. It literally turning a leaf and starting a brand new page, takes guts and luck, looks like you got'em both!! Also, I gotta say, it looks like your and your wife have a beautiful relationship going. You're gonna be super ok!
dharma explorer
Posts: 601
(2/20/04 7:51 pm) Reply
me too....
I can't say it any better than blisslessly did.
I wish the best of everything for you. Formerly Blue!
---------- The next best thing to playing and winning....is playing and losing
Blue Registered User
Posts: 43
(2/21/04 1:32 am) Reply
Formerly
Many thanks to you both.
Now that the awareness or realization or whatever term you want to apply to yesterday's breatk-throughs have settled in, I understand the they are not change in and of themselves, more like a sign on the road of life.
I've finally seen the sign, and I think I'm reading it right. Now it's a matter of putting it all into action, building the next step and watching for the next sign post.
Sign posts hopefully reading "OK to Pass"
It seems that you have pushed a large "reset button" and based on what you described, it was needed and good. I am jealous of your courage and of your relationship with your wife. You sound like a great team.
Since this overall topic (pushing the reset button) has been on my mind for a couple of years, I have some thoughts which may or may not apply. Me being an ass and all, I'll go ahead and give them though unsolicited, as I would a "real" friend...
Re: Operating System
How droll, I know, but being an engineer I often can't help but applying some science to the human brain. We all have developed our own perception of the world and how we deal with it. Though you have "reset" you still have the same basic operating system. Naturally, you now have this new experience to add to it but...will you really change?
I would warn that you might have a propensity to recreate what you know if not exactly business-wise in life style and relations. Be aware of that OFTEN and maybe you can avoid it. I know a fellow who has essentially reset his life several times by fleeing, but after a time he is in another situation he hates. The problem, as I see it, is that everytime he flees, he unknowingly packs what he is fleeing in his suitcase...it is something in him he hates and no matter how hard he runs, it is still there.
I wish you the greatest success in finding and keeping a new light which allows you to see new pathways which previously were invisible.
----- Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Re: Sign posts hopefully reading "OK to Pass"
I don't think it's about changing who you are. It's about changing the path you're on. I had something of the same joyousness when I finally decided I don't want to be in psychology anymore - I realized that I was spending all my energy trying to keep a life I no longer wanted.
I still don't know exactly where I'm going and I'm fighting a depression partly because of that. But I can't imagine ever backtracking to my old path. Right or wrong - this is the direction I'm moving and I'm sure I'll meet interesting people and see wonderful things along the way.
I was reading this just the other day...
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could......
So, good luck to you Traveler. You've chosen a new path. Who knows what will happen? It's not the apostrophes, it's the phucking homophones!
Blue Registered User
Posts: 44
(2/26/04 12:03 am) Reply
Re: Sign posts hopefully reading "OK to Pass"DJ: Many thanks for the sage words of advice. I can't be certain that I've slayed my dragon my putting this new plan into motion, but I am certain that I'm moving forward.
I'm a risk-taker at heart though it's taken me years to realize it. I married a woman I loved, but had only known for a few weeks - it's hardly been smooth sailing since the beginning but I wouldn't trade one second of it away. We sold everything we owned and moved to the Middle East against all advice and fell in love with the place. When an opportunity for greater personal growth presented itself, we left the Middle East and relocated to Spain. We lost everything in Spain and came back to Canada broke, homeless and owning only what we carried through customs. We lost in Spain in a lot of ways, but the experience was absolutely priceless. More than anything we know we can fail and survive and the entire experience brought us closer as a couple.
In order to get into my current position I had to take the risk that they might not only disagree, but close the company all together, making me homeless once more. That didn't happen - I was rewarded for taking the risk.
Tonight we pitched our new concept to the shareholders, effectively putting our collective necks on the line. And we were rewarded once more. We put the new plan into action tomorrow morning! The risk is that we'll fail entirely, losing our investors money and putting ourselves out of work. The reward...the financial reward may exceed my wildest dreams and my wife and I may never have to work again. This of course is not the goal (to not work), but to have the financial resources to pursue our more community-oriented goals is immeasurable.
I could once again end up broke and homeless, but I've been there before, and I'm not afraid. The occupation is not the goal, nor the reward - the experience, the opportunity to learn, the opportunity for growth - these are the reasons I pursue change.
I may not have slayed the dragon by making these changes, but perhaps the experiences will provide me the tools to do just that.
I realized that I was spending all my energy trying to keep a life I no longer wanted.
Words from my own heart. My you find what you seek, and may it be what you need.
The Road Less Traveled is my choice today. Freedom and Security are mutually exclusive realities and I choose Freedom. Avoid the trap of the Golden Handcuffs my friends.
Very, Very Happy.
Blue Registered User
Posts: 45
(2/26/04 9:30 am) Reply
For DeShaz
Quote:I still don't know exactly where I'm going and I'm fighting a depression partly because of that.
I'm hardly wise and barely stable at the best of times but I'll pass on my 2 cents regardless. Take them for what they're worth.
Contrary to what we're programmed to believe, Happiness is not a destination, but a journey. I do not know what I want to do as a profession, but I don't struggle with that. I have come to the conclusion that my title and job description are not in any way connected to my happiness.
Action is the Antidote of Despair. Knowing what to do is not my answer. Knowing that I must do and simply doing has become my salvation.
Time
Ohoh...Damnit Jim is making stuff up again, but:
An observer from outer space (not me...I swear) might end up saying that the humorously dull creatures which seem to hold dominion over this fine piece of real estate spend their lives chasing tiny bits of green paper. Once they catch some, others jealous of the success are willing to exchange the most valuable commodity in the universe for it (time).
It is only after one comes to understand the true worth of time and begins to carefully evaluate possible transactions involving it, can one begin to understand happiness.
Happiness and time invested in gathering some tiny bits of green paper are mutually exclusive for most people, because once someone becomes locked in to needing many bits of green paper, then they need more. There is no end, until they have utilized all of their time (a bad trade).
Time spent wisely is happiness...
----- Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Two bits...too much.
Geez...what else do I need to know, Mr. Knowitall?
The secret to clean underwear is not to wear any.
The secret to sexual happiness is practice, practice, practice...even if alone. If you get in a bind, my phone number is conveniently located on the back of this post.
The secret to not having a bad hair day is NEVER leave the house.
How can I tell if I am going to get belly button lint today, Mr. Knowitall? Simple...don't wear a shirt.
Never throw anything away...old chicken bones make great gifts. The plastic six pack holding thingimabob makes a great toilet brush holder...just put two of the dohickies over your ears, one over your nose, and simply hook the toilet brush on one of the remaining circles. You'll never regret the convenience of always having your own toilet brush with you 24/7.
Mr. Knowitall...you sure know a lot. How can we get as smart as you? You can't.
Gee, that's too bad. Is there anyway I get always get your advice before I do anything, Mr. Knowitall? Why yes, young girl (preferred). Just tap your magic slippers together and say, "There's no one like Mr. Knowitall."
Finally (hold your applause), but Mr. Knowitall...I've been getting penis enlargement spam mails and I was wondering...do they really work? Yes...I have taken every pill, and I currently have 48 patches in strategic locations. I can say without a doubt I am twice the dick I used to be.
----- Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Blue Registered User
Posts: 46
(2/26/04 9:23 pm) Reply
Re: Two bits...too much.
Just to clarify a bit for DJ. The pretty green paper is only green in the US - the rest of the world has colour.
I have a lot of respect for you Mr. P and I've known you for a long time but I'm a bit offended. Perhaps I misinterpreted what you've communicated. I am not chasing money, or collecting it. I do not believe that money can buy happiness, but I also do not believe that money and happiness are mutually exclusive. If money makes you unhappy, it's because you don't understand it. Money is an idea, a concept, not a thing.
I have opted to risk the things that most everyone I know is unwilling to risk - job, salary, home, car, financial security, the means to pay for my next meal. I do this because I will not be trapped in the 'golden handcuffs' that western life so gleefully tries to shove down our throat (or is that 'slide onto our wrists'). It is not money that I pursue, but freedom. Point of fact - I'm throwing away my guaranteed money, my salary (as is my wife) to pursue freedom. There is no for-sure money on the horizon for us, no more salary, no more benefits, no more company car.
I would rather fail ten thousand times than never try. I will not settle for a mediocre, lukewarm version of life that I tolerate rather than live.
Betrayal of self is the gravest of sins, for how can one value another if they will not value themselves? How can one value themself if they deny who they are?
If you are existing rather than living, I challenge you...no, I dare you to risk it all to have a chance at really living.
Edited by: Blue at: 2/26/04 9:37 pm
My comments about chasing bits of paper were general in nature and certainly not directed to you, Blue. It was the easiest metaphor I could conjur to show that "time" is most valuable thing we humans have. We all could sit down and replace the term "bits of green paper" with our own demon(s) which is(are) trying to steal our time...so don't feel even a bit offended.
As to your dare, the only thing which holds me tightly to my "current life", is a sense of responsibility to some fabulous creatures called my children. I helped bring them into this world, and have guided them as best I could using as much time as I could give...the result is that we are very important to each other. If it came down to it, they are ready to solo, however, our relationship is such that none of us really want that...
...the moment there are children a few choices are lost (if one is to be a responsible caring parent). You can't, or shouldn't as I see it, divorce children. They are there. And always will be, if you are lucky. The time that is "sacrificed" to children has been the most "lived" time that I have had because I have a lot of passion for my children.
I am a very passionate person and I ONLY want passion in everything. I am probably quite exhausting to be with...I know that. But there is very much time which slips through my fingers without it now. THAT is what I am missing...time which goes by without passion. That is something I am determined to change.
----- Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Blue Registered User
Posts: 47
(2/27/04 2:13 pm) Reply
Children
We are in more agreement than I thought.
Time is indeed our most precious of commodities and there-in lies one of my primary drivers. I do not believe I get a second chance at this game - this isn't a practice run and I must therefore live every second of it rather than exist within it.
Not having children myself, though being a large example of one personally, I'm not sure I have any grounds to disagree with you. I would never suggest that one leave their children or sacrifice their time with them. I do however believe that children learn what they live and if they live in a home with a marriage that survives on the children alone, they both see and learn that. Now, whether it is better to create a new life that includes your children in it, or to stay in a less-than-loving relationship 'for the children's sake' is beyond me.
If one was going to do it, you'd be advised to make it well before, or well after that point when drugs, alcohol and the seemier side of life introduce themselves into theirs.
I'm no longer offended, but I'm not much clearer on your intent. Which is to say I don't take it personal, but I still don't hear you.
dharma explorer
Posts: 602
(2/27/04 8:42 pm) Reply
.
If I may interject here...I'd like to summarize the confusion.
Blue - In your post of 2/26/04 9:30 am, you wrote of happiness and how you realize that your job does not define your happiness.
DJ's post at 3:57 pm agrees with you that job/money does not equate to happiness. He takes it further and states that time spent wisely is happiness.
Blue misunderstands DJ, thinking that DJ is accusing him of chasing money. Therefore Blue's post at 9:23 pm refutes that idea and challenges DJ to push the envelope in his own life.
On 2/27/04 12:34 pm DJ clarifies his position regarding the nature of his metaphor. He also states that at the moment his children preclude any drastic changes in his life.
Blue then (2/27/04 2:13 pm) responds favorably to the notion that time is precious and is a currency of happiness. He goes on to imply that perhaps DJ is blind to the possibility that his children are receiving a lesson that DJ did not intend to give.
Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it looks like from my perspective.
---
In regards to giving "unintended lessons" I actually have thought about that. I came to the conclusion, that no matter what action one takes, the lesson eventually learned by children is that their parents are human. Parents start out as Gods to children, providing EVERYTHING. As children age, they begin to see the cracks that were always there.
The fact of the matter is that the choices I have made so far, are because I want to be around them as much as possible. In a way, a very selfish act...in a way unselfish. If I left and started a new life, I would see them much less often. Again, this can be viewed from both sides.
I am not smart enough to figure out which is correct so I have choosen to be with them. Or perhaps I am just a big chicken.
kluck.
---
Anyway, I am glad that YOU have had an "epiphany" and have instigated a path of change. We have in common an understanding of that concept and what it means. You have taken such actions and learned from them, while I sit in my tower and theorize.
Who knows what life will bring...maybe in 10 minutes.
----- Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
.
We all have to consider the specific circumstances we are in whenever we make a choice. Given Blue's circumstances, I believe I would have chosen as he did. Given DJ's circumstances, I believe I would have chosen as he did. But whatever anyone else may have chosen is beside the point. We all have to walk our path alone, so we can do nothing better than make the best choice we can considering what we know at the time. It's always an adventure.
---------- The next best thing to playing and winning....is playing and losing
Blue Registered User
Posts: 48
(3/3/04 9:56 pm) Reply
Re: re
I felt like I'd had the ultimate streak of Eureka moments when I first sat down to write my opening post. Trying to capture the true nature of it has been sketchy at best. How do you communicate brain-speak?
My apologies to DJ for my lack of forethought. I'm quite often blinded by my own brilliance...some might term it ignorance.
What I've discovered is that I thrive on risk and change. What I fail to understand is that not everyone has the same salvation.
Believing that you can not, that 'it' is not possible, that there is no way you can accomplish 'it' is a limiting belief, IMHO.
I don't know what DJ's 'it' entails, I can only infer from his writings that perhaps the path he is on is not his own. How different the two lives are I have no idea. Perhaps the problem lies not in the choices one has made, but from failing to see the alternative path. You probably can't get there from today if you use the same path you would have 20 years ago. The obvious question becomes "how do you get there from here"? Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.
With the utmost respect and utter lack of Tact,
Happy Blue
Re: re
Blue,
I was not upset about anything of this discussion. Tact is something better saved for those who need it. I prefer the straight forward "this is how I feel" approach.
I hope though, that I didn't hijack the thread, however...
This entire discussion has been quite beneficial for me for it helped me more clearly define the "it" which is missing. I have been trying (for some time now) to get my brain cells to form a flock instead of randomly flying around and this helped. It is difficult or indeed impossible to take action against something as undefined as "I am not happy" because the potential causes of this outcome are many if one treats only the symptoms.
It is for me, so I don't mean to preach that this is a universal truth, that TIME is the most important commodity. With this definition, the measure which determines whether time was well spent or not is PASSION.
TIME spent PASSIONATELY is perhaps my Holy Grail, and in fact always has been...perhaps.
It is probably why I have done a lot of different things from being manager of a jazz club to drilling oil and gas wells to flying to being an entrepreneur to whatever is next. If there is a party...trust me...I am the most passionate party guest. If there is a happy or sad movie...I laugh or cry the loudest. Not because it is some wacky competition...I just really feel it. I must really be exhausting to be with...sorry to those who must suffer me.
That said, what I currently lack is passion...other than what I mentioned about my children. There is no passion with my wife...she desires more a practical partnership based on goal achievement than a simmering love filled with surprises. I tried to keep it going but one person can't carry such a load for so long without seeing any change or even the potential for change.
My work is now boring. I have "been there...done that" now. Time to move on to new things.
Too much time is spent without passion right now. Now that I have a better definition of the problem, I am anxious to see what I do about it. Once I know which direction to go, I am generally quite the...goer.
Anyway, this has cleared a few things for me. Thanks. And again, I am glad you have seen your light.
----- Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Re: re
Hmmmm....gosh this sounds familiar. I'd love passion - something that really excites me, that gets me going. But passion burns out. And then I'm left searching again for that one thing that'll bring me passion and happiness.
I'm trying very hard to deal with things the way they are. My truths are not your truths.
I have been at a crossroads for months now. Knowing that the path I was on was wrong for me - not being in a position to move forward on a new path. It is not a place of passion. It is a place of darkness and I try to let myself just experience the darkness and move on. Just existing is hard enough.
Now, there is some light...some possible movement. And in my usual fashion, I want to hurry it up. I want to rush down the path and get at least to a better, more happy, part of the journey. At this time, my pace must be slow.
It's not the destination, Blue, I've known that for a long time. It's just sometimes the journey is better than others. Sometimes it's hard to appreciate the lessons of the universe.
It's not the apostrophes, it's the phucking homophones!Edited by: DeShaz at: 3/5/04 7:53 am
KitNzinc Registered User
Posts: 33
(3/5/04 10:41 pm) Reply
Re: re
When you see some bubble head on the news and you think, “What a bubble head! All that money, no problems in life and nothing else to do. Well… then you can see why lucky people are faced with challenges.
Challenges are like exercise, the more you get (do) the stronger you are. The fewer you get, the more of a bubble head you become.
Topic Commands
Click to receive email notification of replies 
Click to stop receiving email notification of replies