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irisgoddess
Moderator
Posts: 162
(8/31/04 1:11 am)
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my room
I think I'm going to use this room to just write whats going on with me inside and out.
Well it's only 25 days till the wedding and i'm excited but depressed at the same time. I don't know what has gotten into me but I just don't feel up to things right now.
I just miss the kids and wish they were here.
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Gaia Angel 
ezOP
Posts: 1925
(8/31/04 5:12 am)
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Re: my room
when paul had my kids, i couldnt celebrate anything. Anything that made me happy felt like a betrayel. Its normal sweety. and with jess having a baby and me spouting off about my kids, i imagine it feels like salt in a wound. I am so sorry 
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irisgoddess
Moderator
Posts: 163
(8/31/04 1:15 pm)
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Re: my room
this is why I'm so confused. I'm happy and excited for Jess and I love hearing about your kids. It does make me feel a little better it's just righ now with the wedding I had wanted to have MY girls be the flower girls and MY son be the ring bairer. And it's never going to be that way.I have adopted my friends kids and looking forward to jess' baby but the last few days it's just not good enough. I don't know whats going on with me.
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narshaadha
Moderator
Posts: 382
(8/31/04 1:32 pm)
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Re: my room
You are a MOM no matter where your kids are, and you are missing them in your wedding, and you are ALLOWED to do that......just don't let it take over. Acknowledge it and try to put it aside as soon as you can each time.
love ya!
narshaadha
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lauriex
The gentle hearted
Posts: 158
(8/31/04 1:41 pm)
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Re: my room
aww, iris..
it's hard being happy about something and feeling guilty at the same time, isn't it? wish l could help, but the only thing l can do is wish you luck, and say this: no matter where on earth they are, if they know about the wedding they're likely there, at least partially, in spirit.. or thinking about you, and wishing you the best. it may not be perfect, but... they're still your kids, you know.
laurie.
ps, *hugs*
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Gaia Angel
ezOP
Posts: 1932
(8/31/04 2:43 pm)
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Re: my room
mothers day is excrutiatently painfull for amber since she lost the baby. i will tell you like i told her....you ARE a mom....that will never ever change. and narsh is 100% right...you have a right to hurt! Iris your NORMAL. yes it makes you miserable but its proof that you love your children. There are days when missing them are going to be unbearable....especially days when you should be happiest because you never considered having a happy moment without them. I felt at first like the very air had been driven from my lungs. Feel your pain, allow it to run its course and like narsh said, gently set it aside...it will always be there for it is your own....you earned the right to feel it. and when yopu need to feel it, pick it up again....and again...and eventually picking it up and setting it aside wil become not easier but more bearable.
And when they find you...and they WILL ( I KNOW this jaimie)...you can tell them I hurt everyday for loving you so much...my love NEVER stopped...not even at my happiest! And that will be a great gift for them because in your pain you prove to them you can never forget them ....but its ok to live....to be happy....to love....and to share. You have to be whole when they find you again....and noone can be whole without those things.
I went threw what you are going threw for 4 of the longest most agonizing months of my life. It breaks my heart and reduces me to tears thinking about that time. what got me threw it was telling myself they are MINE. no matter where, no matter with who....they are MINE and my love is branded upon their very soul...and no trumped up hatefull horrible disgusting misinformed courtpaper can EVER steal THAT! Your love is THERE....on them...in them....with every single breath of air they breath they still breath in your love. Remeber to send it often...My kids told me they knew every time i looked at the moon and thanked her for watching over them when i couldnt....they felt my love deep in them...and that came from little jacob too!
they said the worse part was knowing i would never allow myself to be happy without them and that tore them to bits. Allow yourself your happiness....and send your heart on the wings of the spirits telling your children when they find you again....for THEM....you will be whole.
It takes amazing courage to be happy when your heart lives miles away...you are so much braver then you give yourself credit for, I love you and will always be here for you to vent on...i hope you trust our friendship and our love enough to know that. 
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irisgoddess
Moderator
Posts: 164
(8/31/04 2:43 pm)
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Re: my room
Thank you. I know you don't know whats going on but I think your right at least about the part of thinking about me. My oldest is the only one that might even remember me at this point. But I know she still thinks of me because I feel her at night when I sleep she is a good little witch like her mom and learned more than I thought she did. the little ones don't even know me anymore my son was only 2 when the state took him and Katie has brain damage with almost no short term memory. The state decided I was not a good mom and put them up for adoption a year ago. Sierra would be the only one that would remember me. and everybody keeps telling me it would get easyer with time but it's not it's getting harder. every day is harder than the last and longer as well.
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irisgoddess
Moderator
Posts: 173
(8/31/04 8:27 pm)
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Re: my room
You know some how choc. makes things a little better thank you Randy I love you ( he got me brownies and choc. milk)
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Gaia Angel
ezOP
Posts: 1938
(8/31/04 8:51 pm)
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Re: my room
choclate is proof the goddess loves us and wants us to be happy.
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shadeaux63
Keeper of dreams
Posts: 836
(8/31/04 10:05 pm)
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Re: my room
Don't you ever believe that Sierra is the only one who will remember you.Even children adopted at birth can sense that they were adopted.The reason is because of the bond formed with the mother while the child was in the womb.Katie may have some minor brain damage,but that does not mean she will ever forget her mother.
Not to mention,with the kids being together,you know that Sierra isn't going to let the younger ones forget you.Even if she is forbidden to talk about you,she will have her "secrets" with them.Also don't forget who's watching over them.They will never allow those kids to forget,even to the point of making sure they dream about you.I have no doubts about any of this,and you shouldn't either,love.
So,when you think of them,I know you wish they were with you,and it hurts that they aren't.That's absolutely normal,like everyone has assured you.But know that no matter what,your Mamaw,and Nana are with them,and will never leave them,nor let them forget thier Mama.
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1hillclimber
Global User
Posts: 266
(9/1/04 9:07 am)
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Re: my room
My Darlin' Girl,
Please do not ever forget - you are not in this alone. I think of you each day as I think of the babes and believe me when I tell you that I always carry an extra bucket or two of tears right behind my eyelids. No, I know this is not going to be easy for any of us. But it may help you to know that every second I feel that I can't stand it any longer, I have you to look to...a very strong and capable young woman who just happens to be MY CHILD.
I will write more when I'm not at work (the buckets are trying to escape). I am with you in this, Sweetheart.
Love,
Mom
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