"Little Boy" - Work in progress
He stole a plane;
called it by his mother's name
to put her in his story,
give her another glory:
the digger of a city tomb
not just a pretty womb.
Enola, he stole her from his friend
who in the end
was his detractor.
He was Commander,
could not stand a chapter headed
by a better man.
They stole an irony,
gave it to the bomb
which was a man's weapon
and larger than any man's before.
"I am doing this for mum
and all my family shall become
the chosen One" he said,
minding the gap,
pushing down the blasting-cap,
while at home in the kitchen
she waited for her child
to come back from the fields.
There used to be a covenant here that criticism and works should be kept seperate but i'm transgressing that - seemed daft anyway, but i'm leaving it to the originator of this thread and others - if you'd rather keep this thread clear for your 'work in progress' i'll move this response.
I note a more clipped, less florid style here. A function perhaps dictated by your subject matter or a wholesale departure in approach?
Re: "Little Boy" - Work in progress
Comments, crits, suggestions all fine on this thread. Given the low usage levels on-site atm, may as well keep it all together!
There's definitely a conscious "less=more" approach here altho I can't wholly abandon the bounce of my rhyming, as you can see. Didn't seem appropriate to overblow my response to London 05/Hiroshima 45 considering my relative inexperience (empirically speaking). Also I want the piece to focus quite narrowly on the tales of son and mother, and not go sprawling off in all sorts of grand directions.
Hmmm. At any rate, it started with the line about putting her in his-story. Apologies to Michael Jackson.
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