wip
I'm working on a new piece and struggling to make it say what I want. It feels....trite. A friend suggests that maybe the feelings are too new to me. It's true, it's a vulnerability I'm unaccustomed to.
At any rate...I'm hoping for feedback. It's clearly unfinished.
I give you my heart
laid open and bare
without defenses
each beat is yours
and in your hands
my heart is safe
I give you my soul
though tattered and used
it’s all I have
for you, my love
have set it free
with your own heart
I wouldn't say it comes across as trite, but it does come across like a song-lyric, but i've not always appreciated brevity
It's a very brief piece, in length and indeed the message but these small pieces can convey as much as a verbose work - if I were to offer something constructive I would think about carrying on with the form, but exploring more about this state of your soul, and this acquiescence towards safety...
Re: .
Definitely unfinished. I think what you're suggesting is what I am struggling with - I want to explore more about how this feels but I don't want another whine about how I've felt hurt before, or let down or whatever. The form...I'm not sure about. I tend to be very minimalist but won't be surprised to see it change if I can get something to work that feels more right!
"In the small matters trust the mind, in the large ones the heart." Sigmund Freud
I give you my heart
freely
laid open, without defense
bare and vulnerable
it is yours now
each beat
in your hands
safe
I give you my soul
tattered, used
all that I have
take me
chain me to you
my very breath is yours
for you
have given me
life
love me
all of me
scares the hell out of me
but I love you
and I fly free "In the small matters trust the mind, in the large ones the heart." Sigmund Freud Edited by: DeShaz at: 10/17/05 10:14 pm
CC Vulture Registered User
Posts: 43
(10/18/05 7:09 am) Reply
Re: .
DeShaz
"Trite" is the wrong word coz the feelings are new so it can't feel overused already. I think it was... ok in the first draft which I prefer to the rewrite, which seems to tell too much of the previous story.
If I were you, I'd let the poem bask in the present happiness it reflects. As it doesn't have a broad outlook per se, it feels more complete by staying within itself.
Re: .
Thank you CC - that's an interesting take. Another friend likes the before better too. I think that what you object to is what I like better about after. The feelings aren't purely happy and before feels false in that. They are a bit frantic and frightened....
I like the re-write a lot, I think it does a better job of conveying that fear you're talking about. Some of the verbiage you use hits home for that.
Technical - the lines are a bit choppy. I think you'd do better to combine some of them and leave the very short lines for the phrases that have the most punch. The only other crit I have is a tough one, I'm afraid. While the feeling you're trying to convey is a powerful one, you lose a lot when you use some phrases because they're so cliched, like "give you my heart," etc. I think this piece could be so much more powerful, and avoid that "trite" feeling you're worried about, if you could find a more evocative way to describe it.
This is an excellent piece - very different from your other work. A pleasure to read!
"The butterfly counts not
months but moments,
And has time enough."- Rabindranath Tagore
rewrite #2
Well, fluttersby, you inspired me to take another shot at this one. I've never been happy with it. I think maybe it's a little closer now, though probably less happy.
I have laid my heart open to you
freely
without defenses
and it is yours, bare and vulnerable
to keep each beat
in your hands
all that I am is yours
tattered, used
not the latest model nor the best
chain me to you
don’t let me run away
scared by these feelings
love me
all of me
even my breath is yours
for it means nothing without you
yet
I cannot understand how
needing you as I do
loving you
I can fly so free
CCV.
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